From the Archives: “Moving Out” – Written June 4, 2009

What follows is a snippet I wrote in the past. Looking at it now, I can see many things I’d do differently, not the least of which is reducing the number of exclamation points and gerunds. It doesn’t make sense to me now that the narrator would leave someone else in her apartment when moving out. I’d fix the verb tense shifts–either I’d make everything the same verb tense or break the text out in sections and build it up so those shifts are less jarring. I’d cut the boring part about claiming luggage. I’d fix consistency issues, like where the narrator doesn’t feel jet lagged but then complains to her friend about it a moment later. I’d also go into more depth about the narrator’s motivations, and find some ways to show interiority instead of just having the narrator ask herself a bunch of questions. These are just the changes I’d make at first glance, seven years later.


            “You can’t just up and leave!  How can you just move your whole life over an ocean?”

            I just wanted to leave the room for now.  I could feel my eyes sting, that familiar sting of tears that I knew I couldn’t stop.  Somehow, I felt as though I owed him some semblance of an explanation.  “I cannot stay here and wait for you to make a decision you’ll never make!  And even if you make it, it’ll always be just what you settled for!”

            “How can you say that to me?  Have I not already made my decision by coming here tonight?”

            “Too late.  You’re too late.  My flight leaves in three hours…I’ve got to go.  Come and visit in Scotland if you like but I’m not staying here another moment.”

            I never thought I would remember any particular sound so well as I remember the brash slamming of the door as I left my apartment that night, as I left him there that night…someone I might have changed my life for.  I thought I had learned, finally, how to do what I needed to do when I needed to do it.

            How did I get into this mess?  Was poor timing to blame or have I become so cynical and untrusting that I can’t even recognize true sacrifice anymore?  Long flights during which thoughts can spin out of control are never good immediately following an argument.  I’ve always been the sensible type.  Never one to start trouble, always willing to just…keep my thoughts to myself.  I was scared of how exhilarating it had been to shout the truth at someone I truly cared about.

            Yes, cared about.  Well, okay, still care about, but not in the way I once did.  I had to stop…when I heard he’d never get over his ex, I knew that I could not allow myself to be hung up on caring for him anymore.  I’ve always looked toward the happiness of others…and I looked toward my own needs.  It felt dangerously good.

            So why do I want to call him?  I know that it’s only the time difference that’s stopping me.  He’ll be asleep right now, I’m sure. 


            I hate waiting for luggage.  Just standing there, watching the belt turn, and others rushing past to poke through suitcases and find their own.  I always wait until the end…I see my luggage as soon as it passes but I always wait; I let everyone rush in for their own pieces first.  I don’t like confrontation…I don’t like fighting to get there first; it reminds me of rock concerts when everyone is drunk and eagerly pushing closer to the stage just to be only six feet away from an average human that they’ve elevated to a state of celebrity.

            I wait until there’s no one left waiting.  I see my luggage come around the turn and I step forward.  I lift it from the belt and turn; no one is waiting for me here, but I know my best friend is just past the next set of doors, where we arranged to meet.  Only the push of a button is necessary to lift the handle that allows me to pull my suitcase behind me.  A smirk crosses my lips as I wonder…why can’t all things be so flawlessly simple?

            I don’t yet feel the inevitable jet lag, but can’t suppress the yawn as I start walking.  I need fresh air, fresh, cold air.  I know it will be cold outside and I haven’t even put on my coat.  It’s resting, draped over my arm.  The airplane’s cabin air was stale and dry.  And I need to clear my head.

            I haven’t seen my best friend in months.  Not since she left the United States to start a new life in Europe.  We planned for this, but I do wish I could have joined her sooner. 

            “How was your flight?”

            “Long.”  I let my luggage slide into the trunk of the taxi before walking around the bumper to climb into the backseat.  “Tiring…I think I’ll need to sleep in tomorrow.  Today…I hate jet-lag.”  I click my seatbelt into place and smile.  “Thanks for meeting me.  I’m glad to be here but I don’t think…well, it’s easier having a friendly face to greet, isn’t it?”  I am in transit once more as the car starts to roll into drive.

            “Did you only bring one suitcase?  I thought you were bringing two for now.”

            “Yeah…I packed two, but left in a…hurry.  I’ll buy some clothes in a day or so…hang on, I told my mom I’d send her an email when I arrived.”  As I wait for my phone to turn on, I surrender to another yawn, even as my phone buzzed in my hand.  “Oh no…”

            “What is it?”

            There, on the home screen of my phone, read, “I’ll be in Scotland tomorrow.  Pick me up from the airport?”  It was from him.  And I doubted he was planning to bring me my left-behind suitcase.

The “From the Archives” series involves looking at old writing I did and examining how I would improve it with my current knowledge. This skill is worth honing for all writers.

Earning Emotion

So far this week, I’ve drafted 20 pages for my thesis. Granted, I am writing some of the same scenes over and over in different ways, but I threw in something new too. There’s something emotional that happens early in the book, but I’ve been told that two attempts didn’t come close enough to earning that emotion.

What does it mean to earn it?

I used to think that it would take a lot of space–a lot of words on a lot of pages–to really earn emotional scenes. The scene in question–I knew it was emotional, but I thought that I could earn that with backstory. This week, I learned a couple of important things:

  • I can earn emotion in less space than I thought by finding new ways to focus on scenes and handle the passage of time.
  • At least some backstory necessary to earn emotion has to happen before the emotional moment–the climactic moment of a scene or chapter.

I knew this time I did a better job earning that emotion because while writing, I felt it. I got a little choked up. Given that I’ve written this emotional climax so many times by now and I’ve not had that reaction, I feel like this is an important difference. Might there still be tweaks to make? Yes. But I’m a lot closer than I was.

All it took was a few pages explaining how my protagonist got to that emotional climax. I thought doing so would not interest me or my reader, but by changing up my structure, I think I’ve found a way to make it interesting.

We’ll see what my mentor has to say about it later this month/early April.

MFA Update: Residency Reflections

Sunsets, snow, and mountains…that’s right, I had another residency, this time in the deep arctic blast. Now I’ve attended two out of four residencies, and while I enjoyed myself immensely and am chomping at the bit to get into my work for the semester (and I already have), it was also a reminder of how fast the time passes. With two residencies down, I have only two more to go. Out of “the bubble,” that space we refer to where we’re in a safe space where all of us value the craft of writing and share pieces of ourselves, here are my reflections as a second-semester MFA student.

Peer Workshops

Something special happened in my peer workshop group–not that it didn’t in June, but I’m not writing about June’s residency right now. Not only did we find a way to help each other with our stories, but we also laughed together. There were only three people in my workshop who I felt I knew–two other women in my cohort and a woman from the class ahead of mine whom I befriended last residency.

There were three other students I didn’t get the chance to get to know last June, and it was fantastic learning about them. One of them kept astonishing me with an openness and personal courage that is nothing short of inspiring. Then, there were two students from the incoming cohort. Both great writers, and great people.

Finally, what made this group so special was the pair of mentors facilitating the twelve hours we spent together. I’m not going to name drop, but they’re pretty amazing and so is their fiction. Their insights, good humor, and approachable manner made it a joy to learn to from them.

Thanks to the feedback I received from both of them and my peers, I have decided to make a drastic change to my thesis novel that will solve the pacing issues; scenes were moving too rapidly and they confirmed for me that as readers, they didn’t have the time to get settled in them. They also confirmed that my proposed changes would solve this issue. I don’t want to get into too much detail because I don’t want to give anything away…but suffice to say instead of covering a 65-year lifespan, my novel will cover about 5-6 months.

Craft & Elective Workshops

In addition to peer workshops, part of the residency curriculum features craft and elective workshops. The craft workshops were fun and helpful. Some of the information was something I’d learned before, but I really enjoyed hearing another writer’s take on a subject and letting lessons sink in again. At other times, the information was new and entirely helpful.

Elective workshops I attended (of which we had to choose two) included discussions on the unreliable narrator, an agent Q&A, and a talk on beginnings by Zia Haider Rahman, who might just be one of the coolest people I’ve had the honor to meet. If I ever had the chance to take more classes from him, I’d jump at the opportunity.


At each residency, there are several types of readings: nightly faculty readings, nightly student readings, and a special students-only reading on Wednesdays. I won’t say who read what, but there were texts shared that required open hearts to read and listen, and I couldn’t be prouder or more honored to have participated, even as a reader.

For my own readings, I chose a portion of my short story, “Hunger,” and a rap/poem I’d written based on Hamilton: The American Musical. For that one, I got the audience involved, repeating the chorus.

Everything Else

The graduation ceremony for the graduating cohort, the dance party afterwards, the several hours spent in the game room with friends, the night of no water, the visit from the fire department when pipes burst, the tiny snowman we found, the hours chatting with friends and fellow writers, the four hours with my roommate and cohort-mate traveling to and from the hotel, and everything else that goes on residency was so enjoyable that I didn’t want to leave. At least…not until the temps dropped back into the negatives.

My next residency is in five months and two days. I’m so looking forward to jumping back into it, even though it will be my third of four residencies, and I will likely be even more sad to leave.

MFA Update: Final Submission of the Semester



In just over two weeks, my final submission of the semester is due, and I just deleted what I’d written so far toward my 30 pages of fiction for that submission.

Yesterday, on my 3-hour drive to New Hampshire for my TA responsibilities, I had several chapter epiphanies:

  • The chapter about the Mystic Massacre needs to start right near the end of the event and fill in with carefully crafted flashbacks.
  • I need to flush out a conflict for my protagonist that shows that when the other men he’s working with are together, he becomes more of a bystander and less of a factor in making decisions. I need to go back and strengthen this in earlier chapters because it is at the end of this chapter that he overcomes that, in order to allow him to do what he needs to in the next chapter.
  • I need to emphasize his guilt that his actions in the previous chapter made the massacre more likely.

To accomplish all of this, I had to delete what I’d already written. This leads me to a conclusion I’ve long held but not experienced in a while:

Sometimes writing requires taking two steps forward, and one back.

This is okay. I think a writer ought to be comfortable with the delete key, and not fear it. Why continue to thrust writing on a reader that does not best serve the story? It might be lyrically beautiful, but that’s not enough of a reason to keep it.

So, that leaves me with two weeks to write, edit, and revise about 10,000 words–but I’m excited about the task.

Another major change I’ve made in my thesis is that I had planned, originally, on characterizing real people who lived in the past and influenced the events in my book. The difficulties with this approach proved to be three-fold:

  1. I felt constrained like I couldn’t take a character too far from who they really were. For a fiction writer, it’s important to have the freedom to develop characters.
  2. I wanted to make one such character an antagonist. However, I don’t think that person in history was the way I want to characterize him. This man has hundreds of descendants and I wouldn’t want to alienate them because I made their ancestor out to be a horrible person just to suit my story.
  3. There are many characters on whom I can find very little information. I felt imbalanced completely making them up on my own while other characters had definite timelines and personality traits.

For this reason, I need to rename all of my characters. This is a fun process, albeit time-consuming, as I typically like to do some research and choose names for a reason, instead of just picking them out of a hat. But I’ve already decided what I will rename my protagonist, so it’s a start.

Craft Essays and Exercises

I don’t often blog about the non-thesis work I’ve been submitting all semester. I’m not sure why, but with the semester winding down, this seems as good a time as any to write about these other elements.

The craft essays are both frustrating and satisfying. I always find finishing an academic essay satisfying because it’s like solving a puzzle. I love proving my point through writing, which I know is an unpopular opinion among many. Yet, I enjoy it. Even when I’ve not loved the book I was assigned, I’ve enjoyed writing the essay. I have two more to go. I’ll write one this week, and another next week for a total of 10 this semester.

My mentor assigned me 3 writing exercises this semester, all of which I found both helpful and enjoyable. Some of them involved research, one of them involved going to a place of personal emotion so powerful that it released some of the grief I’ve been working through since the death of my father a little over a year ago. I’m working on expanding that exercise into a short story that I will then submit to literary magazines and hopefully find a home for it. It might just be the most powerful work of fiction I’ve ever written in my life–I’m not trying to boast here, but I’m simply comparing it to previous work I’ve done.

Having completed my 3 exercises for the semester, I have no more to submit, which means my 30 pages can be completely devoted to my thesis.


My TA experience is going so well. I’m really enjoying it, and yesterday I met with another professor who has welcomed me to stay at her house one night a week so I can split the drive. Speaking of driving, I was thinking about what tires me out about it. Driving up and back (a total of 5-6 hours depending on traffic, weather, and construction), isn’t what tires me out. It’s doing so as part of a 12- to 13-hour day. I’m on campus each Monday for 6 hours.

Next term, and the following term, I’ll be on campus twice a week, but only for about an hour or two each day. That means my 13-hour day will become two 7- or 8-hour days. This is a huge difference! I’ll have to try it out to see but I think I won’t mind so much driving up and back a couple of times a week. After all, I once had a 1.5-hour commute to a job I didn’t like, and I love being in the classroom.

Besides, those hours on the road give me ample time to think about my fiction, and I’ve made some pretty important decisions on that drive.

Getting back to the classroom, I’ve had some fun opportunities to teach mini-lessons, and plan to teach a few more. I’m starting to get to know the students, which I think would have happened faster were I sitting in on every class instead of every other class, and I’m frequently and overwhelmingly impressed by them. That’s not to say I had low expectations. I didn’t have expectations. I’ve tried to go into this semester with a blank slate approach as to what to expect from students, as this was my first chance to work with college students.

I also love tutoring. There’s nothing quite like working one-on-one with a student and witnessing that a-ha moment. I’ve experienced it before, but I’ll never tire of it. I liken it to a runner’s high.

I’m also really enjoying the TA Colloquium. This is a once-weekly, no-credit class that provides an opportunity to study and discuss pedagogical theories and strategies for the Freshman composition classroom. Some of the readings are challenging–this week’s caused a grammar-related existential crisis based on a 30-year-old debate about the value and approach of teaching grammar in college–but I enjoy them all the same.

The semester is half-over so my work as a TA will continue beyond the MFA semester (it will be the opposite in the spring), and I’ve really enjoyed growing alongside the students in the class I’m observing. The professor I’m working with has gone above and beyond, even finding me that housing arrangement for the rest of the term.

Final Thoughts

There’s been a lot to reflect on today, with the MFA semester drawing down. But I’ll continue my monthly update because just because the semester is ending doesn’t mean the work stops. Here’s what’s coming up between now and my second residency week:

  • Nov. 7 is the final submission deadline for this semester.
  • Nov. 10 is the deadline to submit my work for peer review at residency.
  • Nov. 14 I should receive final feedback from my mentor.
  • Dec. 11 is the day my peers’ stories are released so I can begin preparing my critiques. It’s also the last day of the TA semester and the date my teaching portfolio is due.
  • Jan. 7 is the start of my second residency; the day my peer critiques are due (though I will have them finished before then).

Also during this time, it’s my goal to make at least one round of edits to the thesis work I’ve done. I also hope to finish my work with the short story I want to submit. You can see that even though the MFA grading period will end, the work does not. For me, that’s a good thing. It’s always best not to stop and realize I’m tired until the end.